okay, I wrote this. It's not finished, but will have a very itneresting ending...feel free to review. me and my friend are writing it together.

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She was so clingy. Alyssa wouldn’t leave me alone. And everyone knew she was nuts. And such a b***h. Everyone knew her past. She had dated the hottest guys (having stolen them from me) and gotten into the worst fights. The worst one ever involved tomatoes, fists, blood, and Gymnastics. No one crossed her, but everyone talked about her. I pretended I was her friend, but the only two who knew I wasn’t were Carrie Shyder and Kali Worth. I talked to Carrie everyday on AOL Instant Messenger and whined about Alyssa and Kali was my best friend, I told her everything. Whenever I watched Wrestling, I’d be on the phone with Alyssa. She wouldn’t shut up about how John Cena was so hott or about how she wanted to marry Edge. And everyone knew Edge was my man. Whenever I was in the halls, I was with Alyssa. She’d go on and on and on about Wrestling, or about whose dating who, and other stuff like that. Lunch was the only time I got to talk to Carrie and Kali without Alyssa bugging me. Alyssa sat with her brother Johnny at lunch. So one day, when I had finally gotten Carrie’s number I called her and complained about Alyssa and all the b*tchy things she did. Just that day Alyssa had told everyone to mock Tariana Howard, because Alyssa thought her orange capris, orange camisole and golden sandals looked stupid. It had made Carrie real mad, seeing as how Tariana was her best friend. I had been in the kitchen, eating double stuff Oreos. They are the best cookies known to man and dog. My dog Manny loves them. My mom walked in the door. Her chestnut colored hair was a mess, totally disarrayed. Her pink shirt was one that I had picked out for her for her birthday. She was carrying groceries, 3 bagfuls in each arm.

“Honey, can you help me?” she asked me loudly, trying to get my attention. I told Carrie to hold on for a few minutes.

“Sure, mom, one sec.” I said as she put down the groceries with a loud heave. She rubbed her stomach, her little baby for a few minutes. She was pretty big, being 5 months pregnant does that too you.

“Who are you talking to, sweet?” she asked me as I carried in some of the groceries. I answered quickly.

“Carrie. I finally got her number.” My mom smiled and asked me another question.

“Cool. What are you talking about?” I told her we were talking about Alyssa and how bitchy she was. My mom sighed.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about Alyssa.” I got really excited. Was my mom gonna insult Alyssa? I had been waiting for this day all year. But no. She didn’t. She did something much, much worse.

“I don’t want you to be Alyssa’s friend anymore.” I was silent for a few minutes, from shock finally I looked up at her, extremely happy. I didn’t have to talk to Alyssa anymore! She was to be gone from my life! YAY! I reached out and hugged her.

“Thanks Mom!” I said happily. That got her confused. She looked at me, puzzled. Then I remembered Alyssa was supposed to be my friend. Umm, oops.

“I mean…really?” I asked, pretending I cared.

“Yes, honey, I’m sorry. She is just such a horrible person and not good for you.” She turned away.

“YES!” I muttered under my breath when she wasn’t looking. I was finally free! No more Alyssa, YAY! No more annoying me, no more harassing me, no more-that’s when I remembered when I was still on the phone with Carrie. I quickly picked the phone up.

“CARRIE!” I yelled excitedly.

“WHAT?” she yelled back, and laughed. I calmed down, and laughed. I could laugh a lot more now that Alyssa was out of my life!

“My mom said I can’t be friends with Alyssa anymore! I’m home free!” Carrie squealed excitedly. I knew she would be happy. This way it would be easier for her to drop Alyssa. I would just have to persuade her to do it, and I knew she would.

“Roxi that rocks! I wish my mom would do that!” I laughed. I knew Carrie pretended to like Alyssa too. Kali and Alyssa didn’t pretend to like each other though. They flat out hated each other. It was funny to see them fight. But anyway. My sister came into the room and told me we were going out for dinner, and it was time to go. I told Carrie I had to go, and we said our goodbyes.

There are good things and bad things about being a big, Italian family. The good thing is you have a lot more people to talk to. The bad thing is it is hard to fit them all into a car. I’m serious. We have an SUV and 4 kids and still can’t get everyone in. My mom get shot gun, my dad drives, my older brother sits in one of the middle seats, and I sit next to him. My two younger sisters sit in the back. We barely fit. We decided to go to Chili’s. The atmosphere was perfect for a big noisy Italian family, which is just what we are. We went and just guess who was there? That’s right. Alyssa. She was in a short little dress that we had bought together at some expensive shopping mall. It was blue with tons of white flowers on it and a small bow for a belt. Along with her was none other than her boyfriend (My ex) Daniel White. We sat in the middle of the restaurant. The entire time I watched Alyssa and Daniel talk to each other and eat, having a good time. Jealousy built up inside of me. Sometimes I just can’t help it, even if Daniel was evil, he was still hot.
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go ahead and review.

1) Paragraphing would be nice.

2) This chicklit is utterly cliched and it bored me all the way through.

3) It was very "and then this" sort of style.

4) I dont understand why you are writing this together, you mean you decide word by word? i suggest it would be more productiove for a larger piece is to map out your chapters/scenes and then each one of you writes a different scene.

5) When another character is speaking you start a new line.

You are telling not showing, which is bad. This was very objective. Instead of saying "The thing was thing" you need to describe what the characters are feeling through the senses, tell the story THROUGH the character, not ABOUT the character.

I know you're supposed to start a new line, I just didn't feel like it. So you know. and you said to tell through the character, not about it. Well I try to be descriptive, we do, but it seriously gets boring.

If you don't do all that your story will be seriously boring. BTW, it needs more organization. It's confusing...

I arnt talking about descriptiong.

Telling:

"Emily walked over to Oliver, he was tall. She touched her bike. The bike was big and cold"


Showing:

"Emily wandered over to Oliver, she looked up, and up and up. Her hand was attracted to her bicycle, her hands tingled from the icy metal."


The showing is always more interesting. That is not the best example but you can see how the second leaves alot to the reader. (Which is a good thing)

i agreed with everything adam said, and one extra thing id like to say. it reads like a diary. there are writers who can get away with talking to the reader, because they do it well.

the "they are SO good" does not work. its addressing the reader, and like adam said, telling them. there are few writers who can get away with rambling to the reader in that way (Charles Dickens is one that can) and it just didnt work.

That's it! There was something wrong with that but I couldn't figure out how to say it! Yeah, anyway, I agree with him.

I did some editing....which I'll post mometnarilly. but for now I am going to post the rest of the story.

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For a few seconds I turned my head away to ask my sister Laney what time it was. She had on her Mickey Mouse watch, which I had noticed earlier. She informed me it was exactly 6:23 pm. I nodded and turned my attention back to Daniel and Alyssa. They were kissing. I yelped.

I felt like such an idiot. The entire restaurant (including them) had turned there attention toward me. Alyssa looked at me like she was better than me, and Daniel looked at me with confusion. Her look was enough to make anyone scream. But instead, I ran out of the restaurant. Luckily I had grabbed my denim jacket, so I could wait outside until my family finished eating. I knew my mom or my dad wouldn’t come get me. They knew me too well. They knew it would just make me mad. And that is not what you want to make a teenage Italian girl do. While I was waiting, I sat in the Gazebo and hummed “Ain’t No Fury like a Woman Scorned.” About 20 minutes later, my mom and dad came out, and said it was time to go. Everyone else was in the bathroom apparently. We walked to the car in silence. A
few minutes later my siblings came out and we left. Silent car ride. Silent night.

The morning was better though. I woke up willingly around 6:00 am, which is really rare for me. My brother was already up and my sisters didn’t have to leave for school until 7:30 am. I got myself dressed, into my lucky outfit. I would need luck breaking my friendship with Alyssa. I had won $100 in the outfit; I got my first boyfriend in the outfit, and many more things. It was a denim mini with a red shirt. I put on my red sandals, pulled my hair into a big red clip, and put on my sunglasses. I was ready to handle anything. I walked downstairs quietly, trying not to wake anyone. My brother and my mom were there. My brother was finishing some of his homework from the past night while eating Oreos. My mom was making waffles. I sat down at the counter with my brother and patiently tapped my black fingernails on the marble counter. My mom smiled at me as I had sat down. She gave me and my brother the waffles and wished us goodbye my brother drove me to school. He had an Eclipse Convertible which Aunt Ann-Marie had gotten him for his birthday. I happened to know I looked really good in the car with my brunette hair flying in the wind behind me. When I got to school I greeted Carrie and Kali, and we started talking about wrestling. When I stat on about John Cena, you can’t shut me up. Alyssa smiled at me in the hallway as she walked by. I knew she would have said hi and clung to me but Kali was there so she didn’t. Kali was my life saver. Finally the homeroom bell rang and we all went to our homerooms. I am in Alyssa and Kali’s homeroom while Tariana and Carrie have the same homeroom. Third period I finally saw Carrie again. And Alyssa, my favorite person in the world. It was in health. The desks were pushed together so they were like tables, four desks made a table. It was me next to Alyssa, and Carrie next to a girl named Allison. Our regular health teacher wasn’t there, so the substitute had us take a personal survey and watch a video on bullying. Alyssa was mesmerized. You see, Alyssa is afraid of stuff like that. She doesn’t have an email address, an instant messenger, or anything like that. It was so gay. She doesn’t even have a myspace! I know, totally evil. All my friends have them. As we left I was thinking about how to break it with Alyssa, when Daniel bumped into me, flashing me a terrific smile. I gave him the finger. He was so gay. Finally, at lunch, I pulled Alyssa aside and said my mom said that we couldn’t be friends. Her reaction almost killed me.

She went ballistic.

“All of your family is major whores and manwhores! And your mom is such a slut! I bet Kali put you up to this anyway! Argh, f**k you!” I almost slapped her. You do not mess with me or my family; I made sure then and there that I was going to kill her.

I begged Carrie to not be her friend. I did. I said, just dump her, she’s such a b***h. But she didn’t listen. Nope. In fact, she kept being Alyssa’s right hand man, which was what she was. Everyone knew not to mess with her either, because she was Alyssa’s closest alliance. Even I knew not to mess with her. Not that I would. If I did, it was only on accident. I mean, I didn’t mean to antagonize her so much that she told Alyssa about it. It’s not like she even made a big deal out of it. She slipped it in casual conversation. But Alyssa still got me. Next day at school, everything went wrong.

“What the f*ck did you do Alyssa!” I screamed after opening my locker. She had been standing at her locker, which is right next to mine. She just laughed, and walked away. Because when I had opened my locker a bucket of green slime had poured all over me! Alyssa was dead meat. And you know, even though Carrie had told her, Carrie hadn’t intended on this happening. Carrie happened to walk down the hall a few minutes later, only to see me and gasp.

“C-Come on Roxi, I’ll take you to the bathroom to get cleaned up.” She went to take my arm, and took a step towards me, but ended up falling and taking me down with her. I fell onto her and got her covered with slime too. Everyone in the halls laughed and pointed. We got up quickly, and rushed to the bathroom. We grabbed tons of paper towels and soaked them with water and cleaned ourselves. The slime was all gone, but our clothes were still soaked thoroughly. Thankfully we made the homeroom bell by seconds. I later heard from Carrie that her teacher had sent her to the Home Economics room so that she could dry off her clothes using the dryer. My teacher was not so kind.

The next day, I was late for school. I had had a dentist’s appointment. When I came in, I found that Alyssa and Carrie hated each other. Apparently the night before they had had a big blow out about what Alyssa had done to me. When I heard, I almost cried. I couldn’t believe Carrie was that loyal to me. It made me proud. Carrie was disgusted by my sentimental moment. It was quite funny. So in celebration of the three of us hating Alyssa, we decided to pull a little prank. But it didn’t turn out to be so little.

That night was Friday night. We decided we would all stay at Kali’s house, since she lived so close to Alyssa. Kali supplied the disguises, I provided the material, and Carrie provided the plan. We snuck out around midnight, wearing all black and black hats. We even painted those little black lines under our eyes. Carrie carried the black bag, since she was the smallest and fastest. We went to Alyssa’s house. All the lights were out. We hid behind a big tree and unzipped the bag and pulled out the supplies. Silly String, toilet paper, spray paint, and shaving cream. I was the tallest, so I threw the Toilet paper over the house, and covered the entire area with it. Kali took the shaving cream and Silly String and doused the house with it. Carrie took the spray paint and painted the house many colors. About an hour after our arrival, a light in the house turned on.

“Damn! Run!” Carrie said to us. We ran behind the house and into the woods. We made sure to grab the bag. We stood in those woods for about 2 hours, huddled together.

Well that is MUCH MUCH MUCH better than the half baked crap you posted before. It has structure, length and a bit of a story line. It still reads like a diary but maybe that is the intetion, its a 100 times better than the first one though.

Yea it is supposed to be like a diary. I like that style better. and thanks.

It wasn't bad. I saw some gramatical errors but he story itself was better.

hmm...what were the grammar errors? I mean, I'm pretty good with that kind of thing. unless its like it's, its or its', I don't do those.

Just a few things here in there. If you look through it they aren't hard to miss.

there is no such thing as its' only its and it's. it's is acontraction of it is. its means it belongs:

its shoes
its fur

it's terrible
it's the best thing ever.

It's easy for me to see. Sorry Paige, I should have put a couple things I saw. But...I'm feeling really lazy right now. End of school year. I just want to relax!