I started this story a while back, but I never really managed to find where I wanted to go with it. I just recently decided to start writing it again and I think this time it's actually going to work out ... hopefully. I've only written some of the first chapter, but please, please tell me what you think. I love criticism, helpful criticism, it helps me become better :)


Chapter 1





The bright sun sat high in the sky, making its slow descent beyond the horizon. The blue sky slowly faded to create a storm of reds, oranges, and pinks painting a blood red sunset. A thin layer of clouds offered a little shade and a gentle breeze made the temperature outside almost perfect. It seemed to be a perfect day to be outside.



A welcomed threat of rain hovered, barely noticeable, in the distance. The dusty ground was brown where the grass and trees refused to grow. Hills and mountains filled the landscape and villages were hidden in the valleys. One such village was farther off than the others, isolated between two towering mountains.



Although the sun was making its way down past the horizon voices could be heard throughout the little village. A group of teenagers could be seen along the outskirts of the village playing around, waiting to be called in for dinner. In this group there were six girls and five boys, all around the age of fourteen or fifteen. One of the girls was perched on a protruding rock, hugging her knees. Her piercing green eyes watched as the boys horsed around and occasionally a laugh lit up the features her face.



“Kiara you are such a loner. You’re always on that rock, just watching, it’s kinda creepy,” one of the boys teased the girl.



“Watch it Aiden, she might just beat you up one day, then we’ll see who’s talking,” At this Kiara laughed.



“Aw, c’mon, a girl couldn’t beat me up! Look at this muscle!” Aiden joked, flexing the muscles in his arm. Everyone laughed, although good looking, Aiden was admittedly puny. He had fair skin that, on occasion, would tan nicely. His eyes were a pool of blue and his hair short and dark. His features were square and well structured, he looked different from everyone else, but in a good way.



Kiara stretched for a second and let her legs dangle over the side of the rock. “Is that an invitation to beat you up Aiden?”



“Only if you wish to get pummeled,” He retorted with a sly grin.



At this point everyone rolled their eyes. Aiden was notorious for his persistent, cocky attitude. “Are you guys going to argue all night? Or can we do something fun before dinner’s ready” someone suggested.

Kiara looked for the person who made such a suggestion and smiled as she realized who it was, “Ci you were always the pacifist. Sometimes it’s more interesting if there’s an argument every now and then. Besides I wasn’t really going to beat him up, it’s a waste of my time when I can just as easily beat you up at my own convenience.”



Ci rolled his piercing green eyes and began to play with the stick that was in his hand. Ci and Kiara shared similar features; both were tan with wavy, light brown hair and piercing green eyes. Had they been standing next to each other it would’ve been obvious that they were of the same height and had the same slim build. There was no denying that they were twins.



At that moment Ci snapped his head up and listened intently for a few seconds. “Mom’s calling, it’s time for dinner.”



“How do you hear these things Ci? I certainly can’t hear anything” Kiara complained as she climbed off her rock, “Bye guys! See ya tomorrow!” And with that the pair were off.



On either side of Kiara and Ci were small wood houses, all built rather close to each other. None looked professionally done, but there was something welcoming in the village’s appearance. Each house had a shabby look to it, but it didn’t bother anyone. It was home, it had been home ever since the first families had settled here and built these houses. Little kids were scattered about the street playing noisily, but none dared venture far from their home.

Point of this? It’s a description and a quite immature one at that. You should start in the middle of the activity with a character. Where is your character going? What does he want etc…

Again, we do not need another useless description of a boring scenery.


[quote]Although the sun was making its way down past the horizon voices could be heard throughout the little village. A group of teenagers could be seen along the outskirts of the village playing around, waiting to be called in for dinner. In this group there were six girls and five boys, all around the age of fourteen or fifteen. One of the girls was perched on a protruding rock, hugging her knees. Her piercing green eyes watched as the boys horsed around and occasionally a laugh lit up the features her face. [quote]
I don’t like where you have positioned your teenagers. I don’t like how you are taking us into the characters either. It would have been better to start off with your main character.
Example: Ryal pinpointed his hawk on the horizon and watched it dart down and attach itself to his arm. Stroking its crest, he saw another thing, a blacker thing coming towards him.
^^Here we have the character, a conflict and an interesting beginning.






Ok, I’ve seen enough. You are lacking one important part of this story and that is conflict, either internal or external. You need a problem, the characters should be battling with evil, an object or themselves. There should be conflict on every single page of your story. This needs a rewrite, starting with the maincharacters view point and continuing with conflict.