My parents have been talking about moving back to England, only I'm not really supposed to talk to my friends about it in case it doesn't actually happen and I felt the need to just write... I can't talk about it, and this site is the only site I go on where I don't actually have friends from real life that would read it. But yea, I kinda just needed to place my thoughts so here goes...

I'm so confused. I can't even talk about it. I don't want to make a big deal out of something that might not even happen but it's killing me. Moving. That's a big deal and I can't even talk about it. I don't know anyone where I'd be moving to. It's a whole new start in a place that is so foreign to me yet it's my home. The place I call home... what is home anyways? I don't know, I don't have a definition of home because I've never truly found myself at home. Can I really leave my friends behind? Can I really leave all this behind? It's all I've ever known for the past 10 years and I'm about to leave it all behind. And yet I've never loved it here, I've never been able to call this place my home. Why is it so hard for me to leave this place behind? It might not be home... but it's an attachment. It's something that I've become so used to, it's one of those places that you expect to leave behind, but at the same time you can't imagine yourself leaving. And now I'm faced with the possibility of leaving and I don't know what to think. Is it alright to be happy to leave knowing all that I'll be leaving behind? I am ... I'm happy.... I want to go. But at the same time I just can't picture it. I have so much here that I'll never get over there. There are things that I have here that I know can never ever be replaced. I'm giving up so much to go and it's pulling me back. It's what's pulling back that makes me want to stay. And I don't know what I want anymore. Some days I accept the fact that we're moving, even though it's not decided, and I rejoice because I feel like I'm finally going home. And then there are days when I find the idea completely incredulous, I can't accept it because this place is all I've ever really known.

If you asked me where home is I'd say England. Where in England I cannot specify. If you asked me what I thought of this place I'd tell you that I hate it here. That should tell you something right? But I have friends here, friends that have become almost family to me. They've all been there for me, through laughter, tears, smiles, frowns, bad days, good days, break downs and natural highs. We've all grown up together. That's what scares me the most.... leaving all that behind and never being able to find something even close to it. What happens then? What happens when I need a shoulder to cry on, but no one's there? What happens when I want to have a good time, but no one's there? What am I supposed to do then? Just keep going like everything's alright? Am I really supposed to just start over, lead a new life in a place that I hardly know...? And yet it's that idea that seems so exciting to me. Finding this new life. Starting over, almost like some new adventure. Finding a new way to lead life and moving on. But can I really expect myself to move on? When I know that the only reason I've made it through these years is because of the friends that have lifted me when I just wanted to give up. How can I find people like that again? You only find one true best friend in your life, I already have mine. She can't be replaced. I can't find a new best friend... it doesn't happen that way. And I can't even imagine moving without ever talking to her... but even that would be made nigh impossible. The time zones would be so hard to manage. When she'd get home after a marching band practice i'd already be asleep. Actually conversation would be really hard and I'm scared to lose that friendship. I can't move knowing that I'll never keep in touch with anyone. I need some support base to make it and I can't expect to automatically find a support base over in England. I need the people here to support me while I'm over there. How does that work?? I don't know... But I need to make it work. It's so confusing...